Video Games: Illuminati Weapons of Mass Contraception

Strap Yourself In.

By: Evan Cooper

Filed Under: Editorial Humor


I want to talk to you today about a very real problem. It is a problem rife with veracity that has been vetted by multiple venerable news outlets, and run through my own underground supercollider of truth and justice (when they collide, it’s just the sound of Samuel L. Jackson yelling “motherfucker!”). Of course, by now, since you have read the title of this article, you know that I’m referring to How to Read Rainbows For Stock Tips and Profit.

Ha! That’s classic misdirection! I need you thinking critically now. Those are their tricks.

Of course I’m really referring to the Illuminati and a mass sterilization through pixelated explosions and realistic splatter patterns.

Strap yourself in.

You may recall a charming but completely indoctrinated article titled “The Implications of Big Buck Hunter’s Barroom Superiority” written by one Aaron Matteson in this very publication. Now, I’m sure Aaron’s a good guy who likes digitally killing innocent animals with his best buds, but he has fallen prey to this vast conspiracy by completely overlooking the sinister aim of this supposed “video game comeback”.

Aaron, if that is your real name, let me ask you this: Why do they call them “dive bars”?

I’ll answer for you: Because once you have visited them, you meander on home with a sexual partner whose expectations have been sufficiently lowered and “dive” into respective sex swings set up like a supercollider of love (that is, facing) and smash into one another until the few cognizant brain cells that remain unboozed have been subdued and copulation may occur without presence of the ego or super-ego (punctuating gasp for breath).

Look, Big Buck Hunter has been strategically placed in bars to stem the procreation of the bar-going everyman and everywoman, where it occupies the supple minds of the virile like a trance. The world population has clearly reached a sweet spot where the “peasant-to-our-satanic-overlords” ratio is in perfect balance, and further population increase merely represents a strain on resources or a threat to existing Illuminati control mechanisms.

Waifu. Rez-trance vibrator. These are just a few of their most obvious ploys. They’ve been after control of our loins since Pong, don’t you see? Block the ball, block the hopeful proletariat sperm from achieving its holy aim ad infinitum! This means war!

Now I am sure there are nay-sayers among you, but I am here to cleanse you of your ignorance. Let me propose this: Video games, at least in the most cynical and banal marketing sense, are designed to appeal to males between the ages of 15-25 (that is an exact figure[1234]). That said, where, I ask you, is the game for simulating having sex? If this is really your chief demographic, I find it very hard to believe that this genre of gaming hasn’t been mined to the point of complete obliteration by this point.

None of this Leisure Suit Larry cop-out. I’m not talking narrative here. I mean press “X” for doggy-style, press “Y” for Spinning Love Cuddle Driver. We saw a little bit of that hot action in the Hot Coffee Mod of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. But consider the present time: We have body motion controls, for the love of all that’s thrustful! Where is my Wii Thrust? Where is my celebrity-sponsored Kinect sex tape simulation with save points and leaderboards? We could be sex gods, true olympians of Kama Sutra technique (much in the same way Dance Dance Revolution prodigies are now dance superstars). Instead we are gibbing aliens for the umpteenth thousandth time! Contrary to popular belief, demolishing imaginary populaces of alien aggressors has rarely gotten anyone laid!

Harkening to one of our most highly vaunted games, I’m venturing to guess that levels rife with head crabs haven’t resulted in many an increased libido.

Our overlords know this. They are using our games against us. For this reason that I call on all gamers, developers, and designers to join me in this holiest of marches towards sex gaming. None of these creepy Hentai things, either. I want straight up, honest to goodness, objective digi-humps. No weird power plays (unless you’re into that), no sexism, just some good old-fashioned populist pelvis pumping. This revolution will not be won with hearts, minds, or guns, but with crazy tantric bonus levels.

French super-badass Michel Foucault predicted all this – the dominant systems of power trying to redefine how we think about sex, it being our most powerful human drive[5]. But I doubt he could have seen those powers redirecting all our friskiness towards blasting lumbering digital quadrupeds (but not the cows, never the cows). The diabolical genius of the conspiracy is staggering.

We need to be able to procreate as quickly and efficiently as possible (witness Chromeo’s “When Night Falls” video for further study, comrades). We need to take back the power of our most rapidly evolving art form for a whole new level of multiplayer. (Going Sly and Sandra in Demolition Man for this one, people. Ah yeah.) To fight the takeover of our nemeses, those who are presumably responsible, we need to bring sexy to the forefront. To video games.

[1] Me

[2] Morgan Freeman

[3] Zack Morris

[4] Porcupines

[5] Foucault, Michel. The History of Sexuality. French Super Bad Ass Press. 1976.

[art credit]

Filed Under: Editorial Humor

About the Author:
Evan Cooper is a combat android created by a mysterious tribunal of shadow governments from another dimension to fight back the Illuminati menace with words and a mean stink eye.

9,116 Responses to “Video Games: Illuminati Weapons of Mass Contraception”

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